All I know is that I do not know.

Dysphoria. That's what this morning is all about.

I wanted to have a good break fast but I had none, wanted to sleep in but stayed awake. Perhaps I should have gone to work since I'm broke. I just feel like the most sad, unaccomplished, mediocre, below average, socially awkward, least successful person ever. I lie on the bed most of the morning staring at the ceiling talking to myself and listening to my thoughts. Friends, boyfriend, family... does it matter? I listen to people's problems, complaints, innermost feelings and thoughts while keeping most of mine to myself, all crammed up in my head and heart. I've tried opening up to the people close to me but I find that they nod and they empathize then they forget and that hurts. And people not so close to me simply push me aside. Some people think they know me but they don't really, which is sad but it's not their fault because nobody does and most of the time I don't correct them. They try to make me happy in ways that I don't really want or need. They're doing it all wrong but I have no way to tell them. But it has always been this way and I thought maybe I should grow accustomed to it by now but I don't.

I just feel like the most loneliest person right now.

And later I've to be amongst friends who I love and I'm just so incredibly exhausted and already feeling ignored.

And please, don't ask me how I am if you've read this. I'm always going to say I'm fine perhaps a little tired.

I need a getaway.